Jonah’s top 10 reasons he thought GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra sucked a big fat one.
10) Snake Eyes face mask comes complete with…mouth?!? The guy doesn’t even talk, so what the hell is the point of molding lips onto the face mask. It just looks ridiculous.
9) CGI (Computer Generated Images) overkill. Unless you have a Transformers sized budget, the CGI effects more often than not appear completely hokey, and unrealistic. X-Men Origins: wolverine suffered this same fate.
8) Delta 6 Accelerator Suits. The only thing these doohickeys accelerated was my growing disdain for this movie. The action sequence involving these suits completely eradicated the suspension of disbelief delving deep into the realm of the asinine and pulling me out of the film.
7) What’s my motivation: I’m sure Joseph Gordon-Levitt kept asking himself this question as he tried to get into the character of the Doctor. The problem is that I doubt Stephen Sommers could give him one. And they sure as hell couldn’t give the audience one.
6) Zartan who? Arnold Vosloo’s talent and Zartan’s rich character were completely underutilized for this film. This may be something that can be expanded upon in future installments but as a stand alone film there was not enough information to even care who this person is, or what he is capable of.
5) Still no love for Duke: Duke is one of the most reviled characters in Joedom, and casting Mr. Personality himself, Channing Tatum, as the character certainly doesn’t help his mass appeal to Joe fans.
4) Toy Story: Or lack there of…there was no story to be told here. Even Transformers had a stronger plot, and that isn’t saying much.
3) Marlon Wayans as Ripcord: Why does Duke call him Rip Cord before he should even have a codename, and where does that codename originate from? Why is anyone in the Wayans family still working in Hollywood?
2) Soulless: This move had no soul. Every single shot, every single frame was completely devoid of soul. The actors seemed to simply move through motions and lines because they were told to do so. There was no chemistry between any of the characters at any time. Thankfully those alleged character moments were so few and far between to make way for the next seizure inducing action sequence.
1) Where the hell is Flint?!?
So as you can tell, I had a chance to see GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra recently, and as you can tell I was not the least bit impressed. It was just as bad as X-men Origins: Wolverine, which was pretty bad!
The top ten list referenced above is a mere fraction of the criticisms I have, and I could’ve easily gone on. And please keep in mind that my expectations for this film were already very low. I was not expecting the GI Joe I grew up loving, and had accepted that. Otherwise my criticisms would have included items such as the relationship between Duke and Baroness, the romance between Ripcord and Scarlett, and most noticeable: The origin of Cobra Commander.
One of this movie’s biggest flaws is the inability to successfully capture the suspension of disbelief. I love Sci-Fi movies, and even my own GI Joe Universe has its share of sci-fi elements, but it’s imperative they maintain some inkling of realism, or plausibility. The creators of this film through those rules out the window in an attempt to create a visual spectacle, leaving it devoid of any realism or plausibility, and severely lacking a sense of danger or excitement.
Even this movie’s title suggests this is just the beginning, but I’d be remiss not to mention that even as the opening salvo of a motion picture franchise I expect to be treated to a complete movie. As a consumer, I feel short changed in that it didn’t possess a complete story. It was little more than a series of uninspired, unimpressive action sequences with no steak underneath the sizzle…even the sizzle was mediocre.
As I’ve said already: I could go on and on…and on, about all the issues I found here, and if I’d paid movie theatre prices to see it then I may have been able to justify that sort of incessant berating. However, I rented the movie for a dollar, and simply grateful I didn’t waste the money picking this up on BluRay.
I have no intention of ever sitting through this rubbish again, and doubt I’ll ever waste the time on future installments.
