GI Joe movie = Epic Fail

Jonah’s top 10 reasons he thought GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra sucked a big fat one.

10) Snake Eyes face mask comes complete with…mouth?!? The guy doesn’t even talk, so what the hell is the point of molding lips onto the face mask. It just looks ridiculous.

9) CGI (Computer Generated Images) overkill. Unless you have a Transformers sized budget, the CGI effects more often than not appear completely hokey, and unrealistic. X-Men Origins: wolverine suffered this same fate.

8) Delta 6 Accelerator Suits. The only thing these doohickeys accelerated was my growing disdain for this movie. The action sequence involving these suits completely eradicated the suspension of disbelief delving deep into the realm of the asinine and pulling me out of the film.

7) What’s my motivation: I’m sure Joseph Gordon-Levitt kept asking himself this question as he tried to get into the character of the Doctor. The problem is that I doubt Stephen Sommers could give him one. And they sure as hell couldn’t give the audience one.

6) Zartan who? Arnold Vosloo’s talent and Zartan’s rich character were completely underutilized for this film. This may be something that can be expanded upon in future installments but as a stand alone film there was not enough information to even care who this person is, or what he is capable of.

5) Still no love for Duke: Duke is one of the most reviled characters in Joedom, and casting Mr. Personality himself, Channing Tatum, as the character certainly doesn’t help his mass appeal to Joe fans.

4) Toy Story: Or lack there of…there was no story to be told here. Even Transformers had a stronger plot, and that isn’t saying much.

3) Marlon Wayans as Ripcord: Why does Duke call him Rip Cord before he should even have a codename, and where does that codename originate from? Why is anyone in the Wayans family still working in Hollywood?

2) Soulless: This move had no soul. Every single shot, every single frame was completely devoid of soul. The actors seemed to simply move through motions and lines because they were told to do so. There was no chemistry between any of the characters at any time. Thankfully those alleged character moments were so few and far between to make way for the next seizure inducing action sequence.

1) Where the hell is Flint?!?

So as you can tell, I had a chance to see GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra recently, and as you can tell I was not the least bit impressed. It was just as bad as X-men Origins: Wolverine, which was pretty bad!

The top ten list referenced above is a mere fraction of the criticisms I have, and I could’ve easily gone on. And please keep in mind that my expectations for this film were already very low. I was not expecting the GI Joe I grew up loving, and had accepted that. Otherwise my criticisms would have included items such as the relationship between Duke and Baroness, the romance between Ripcord and Scarlett, and most noticeable: The origin of Cobra Commander.

One of this movie’s biggest flaws is the inability to successfully capture the suspension of disbelief. I love Sci-Fi movies, and even my own GI Joe Universe has its share of sci-fi elements, but it’s imperative they maintain some inkling of realism, or plausibility. The creators of this film through those rules out the window in an attempt to create a visual spectacle, leaving it devoid of any realism or plausibility, and severely lacking a sense of danger or excitement.

Even this movie’s title suggests this is just the beginning, but I’d be remiss not to mention that even as the opening salvo of a motion picture franchise I expect to be treated to a complete movie. As a consumer, I feel short changed in that it didn’t possess a complete story. It was little more than a series of uninspired, unimpressive action sequences with no steak underneath the sizzle…even the sizzle was mediocre.

As I’ve said already: I could go on and on…and on, about all the issues I found here, and if I’d paid movie theatre prices to see it then I may have been able to justify that sort of incessant berating. However, I rented the movie for a dollar, and simply grateful I didn’t waste the money picking this up on BluRay.

I have no intention of ever sitting through this rubbish again, and doubt I’ll ever waste the time on future installments.

the Ultimate Duke Figure?

There are few GI Joe characters as polarizing among fans as Duke. I do not know too many people that will openly admit they are a fan of the character despite him being prominently featured in the cartoon series, the new movie and both Marvel and Devil’s Due comic book runs.

Personally speaking I have always been fond of Duke as a character though I didn’t use him much early on because the original figure is one of my least favorite figures from the line. Despite having some decent accessories, the figure was given a terrible grin (that didn’t fit with the characterization), and he was much smaller in stature than the ARAH (A Real American Hero) figures released just a few years later.

The first Duke figure I received was the Tiger Force version, which used the original mold, but was even more garishly colored. In my own little GI Joe Universe (or referred to as

Joeverse going forward) the Tiger Force figures were used as a special Forces subset of the Joe team and saw little action, which consequently meant that Duke saw little action.

It wasn’t until 1992 that Duke received a new figure with a new mold (according to Yojoe.com Duke now has over 35 variations as a figure). With the ’92 figure I thought he would finally become the Joe team’s premier field commander. The ’92 figure included a rifle, and a bizarre missile launcher he could carry on his back or sit on. The missile launcher never saw any play, but the figure did. The only draw back to this ’92 version was the color scheme on his uniform relegated him to desert combat as opposed to other settings. This was shortly after Operation Desert Storm and the majority of my battles took place in a desert region anyway, so I didn’t realize this as a shortcoming u

ntil a year or two later when I acquired the ’93 version.

With a new Duke figure in 1992 I was really surprised to see another Duke figure just a year later, and with a totally new mold! The ’93 mold was colored very similarly for desert warfare, and it was when comparing the two figures side by side I realized the geographical limitations to these figures. I would never use them in an arctic, jungle or urban setting. The ’93 version had the appearance of a separate character and that’s how it ended up being used. He was a rookie member of the Joe team fresh out of a stint with the Army Rangers.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I love characters with mission specific spe

cialties such as arctic troopers, jungle troopers, and even SWAT specialists. One of my favorite aspects of the GI Joe line was the immense and diverse line of characters, but I wanted a Duke figure that could lead the Joe’s into battle on any mission in any environment. I received this version in 2000 when Hasbro released the ’92 mold colored in camouflage pants and a dark gray shirt under a dark brownish-green vest. This figure maintained the characters essence that the ’92 version perfectly captured, but the colors allowed me to use him in a variety of settings. I now had a figure to use in desert campaigns as well as one for other missions.

There was one aspect of the ’00 version that I still found lacking, and that was with weapons and accessories. This version of Duke was packaged with a new character called Side Track who was simply a repainted Ambush figure. The weapons included in the package were originally Ambush’s and though the packaging did not indicate which weapons were intended for which ch

aracter, I felt they were meant for Side Track. This means that the ’00 version of Duke did not include any weapons.

Throughout the years I have armed the ’00 version of Duke with a number of various weapons depending on the mission’s parameters. It was not until this year that I decided to make the ’00 Duke, my “Ultimate” Duke.

“Ultimate” Duke is my take on the Army’s tag line of “An Army of One”. Though the GI Joe team is closely knit combat unit that ideally functions as a team; there are frequent occasions for members to work individually carrying out solo missions. As the Joe’s field leader he would never give an order for something he wouldn’t be willing to do himself. When General Hawk calls for

a volunteer on a dangerous solo mission Duke is one of the first to step up to the plate. With his linguistic skills and combat experience Duke is an ideal soldier for dangerous, top secret missions behind enemy lines.

This Duke isn’t just for solo missions, he is still a great figure to showcase leading other Joe’s into battle whether it is storming a Cobra temple in the middle of a dense jungle, parachuting over Cobra Island, or blazing a path through a Cobra occupied village in driver’s seat of an Armadillo.

The Joe team is comprised of a large number of specialists in one particular field. Those individuals while excelled in their specialty may be otherwise average in other fields. Such is not the case with Duke. As field commander, Duke is licensed to operate nearly every vehicle in the Joe m

otor pool and is a qualified fixed-wing pilot as well. As opposed to being a jack of all trades, master of none type character. Duke is truly a master of all trades, which is why he was chosen as field leader for this unit.

“Ultimate” Duke is equipped with a wide variety weapons and accessories ensuring he is prepared for any mission. He is equipped with his combat helmet originally packaged with the ’00 figure as well as a specially designed Steel Brigade Helmet complete with American flag painted on the back and his code name on the front. Steel Brigade is a term I use for special R&D division of the Joe team. They specialize in designing new weapons and technology for the team to field test and implement. The Steel Brigade helmet designated SBH-1 is equipped with an oxygen re-breather, heads up display of mission objectives, and map coordinates via GPS. It also allows both infrared and night-vision. This Duke

is also equipped with a parachute/field pack

Duke is armed to the teeth with weapons. He is equipped with a pistol w/ silencer, a silenced sub-machine gun, grenade launcher and an M-4 rifle with interchangeable parts including additional grips, scope, silencer, an M203 grenade launcher and two types of magazines. The rifle came from Marauderinc.com, which is a wonderful site where I purchase weapons and accessories for 3 ¾ inch figures.

With “Ultimate” Duke, I almost don’t feel like there is need for any other version of this character. I sold off the original and Tiger Force versions, but still have the ’92 version for Desert m

issions, and the ’93 version that as mentioned previously is

used as a new character.

So I ask you, which figure is your Ultimate Duke?

It's Finally Here

This is something I have wanted to put together for a long time. I first started tossing the idea around sometime last year while I was cleaning out my basement and started uncovering a treasure trove of GI Joe toys. Toys I hadn’t handled or played with for a long time, but toys that had played a major role in my childhood and are even significant to me as an adult.

Growing up I was crazy about everything GI Joe, I collected the action figures and vehicles, comic books, books, cartoons, video games, and even random collectibles such as table clothes, birthday cards, and party hats.

Over the years I amassed an impressive collection that became even more so when I was an adult and had discovered the miracle technology called e-Bay. Even as an adult I was nuts about collecting, after all how many grown men do you know would cash in their 401k to buy a seven-foot long GI Joe Aircraft Carrier? Well, at least one now.

My collection has slowly dwindled over the past year as I have been selling off certain pieces of it in an effort to pay down some debt. I have mostly been getting rid of figures that I don’t have much use for in my Joe-universe, or ones that I have more than one version of. At one time I collected multiples of cobra figures, which is a term referred to as “Army Building”. I also owned at least two of every Joe team member; I had figures for display, and figures for play. I haven’t been able to display my collection in the last several years and decided that the duplicate figures were superfluous, so those were the first to go.

At one time I was also began buying huge lots of figures solely for their parts in an attempt to customize my own GI Joe figures creating new characters, and redesigning existing ones.

The customizing hobby lasted only a few years, but I created well over thirty figures in the process. I even discovered an online community of fellow customizers at www.joecustoms.com; a site I still visit every once in a while for nostalgia.

When it came to my collection I was never a “complete-ist”, and my figures did not remain sealed in their blister packs to one day sell for a massive profit. I collected the toys because I loved to play with them, and even at twenty-nine years old I can admit that at times I still do.

The whole point of this new blog is for me to share my love of GI Joe with anyone that is interested in it. I will review figures, vehicles, books and comics, share pictures of my collection, and custom figures. I will even post excerpts from my own live action GI Joe film script, and planned comic book series (both of those went out the window when Devils Due had purchased the rights to GI Joe comics, and a Sci-fi movie sharing the same name was recently in theatres).

I will update the blog as time allows. The difficult part will be deciding what aspect of my obsession to share with you first.

The first official entry titled "Ultimate Duke" is coming soon, I'm sure you can't wait.

Coming Soon

This is going to be the spot where I get to express my thoughts and opinions on one of my life long passions:  Collecting GI Joe figures.  Specifically, GI Joe's circa 1982 - 1994.  I will share figure and vehicle reviews, post pics of my collection, and showcase my custom figures as well.  

If you thought I had the ability to ramble on about shit no one cared about before, you haven't seen anything yet.

Stay tuned...